Becoming Producer Dan

We then ran to Producer Dan and said, “We have no idea how to actually turn all this into reality! Help us!”

– Science Brian

That, in his ‘how it all started’ blog, is how Science Brian described the moment he asked me to get involved in Action Science Theatre. It’s quite charming, in its way – glowing with the enthusiasm of a young Irishman making his way in a strange, faraway land, hope shining in his eyes, alight with the realisation that all his Christmases have come at yearly intervals.

It is, of course, a thin, supermarket-brand, single-ply tissue of lies.*

It happened at a party. There I was, sitting in a corner, minding my own business and avoiding eye-contact with people in case they tried to make me have fun, when Science Brian suddenly lurched across the room towards me.

“Dan,” he slurred – I wasn’t Producer Dan then, of course – “Dan. I need to talk to you about microphones.”

Say no... say no... say no... say no... "Yes, of course I'll produce your podcast" Crap.

Say no… say no… say no… say no…
“Yes, of course I’ll produce your podcast”
Crap.

See, this is why I don’t go to many parties…

Mind you, it’s not all Science Brian’s fault.

He was goaded into it by his girlfriend, and she dislikes me so much she once tried to cut off my nose with a sword.**

Anyway, I agreed, reluctantly, to provide Mr Brian with some general advice about producing a podcast. And then I was introduced to Action Dan. Well, I suppose someone has to be.***

A meeting was arranged between the three of us. For reasons that are still a little hazy, said meeting took place at my house. Order of business: discuss Episode 1. I took out my copy of the script and looked expectantly at Messrs Dan and Brian. Who shrugged.

Slight delay while I print off two more copies of their own bloody script.

Somehow, by the time dinner**** was over, I had become a podcast Producer. But, and I’d like to make this perfectly clear, at no point did I actually agree to this. As soon as I can work out exactly how it happened, I can start working on a way to make it unhappen. Until then, I guess I’m stuck here at Action Science Towers, complaining about sound effects and telling people to speak into the damn microphone already.

And if I rattle the bars hard enough, Action Dan may even come and refill my water bowl.


* I didn’t write this line – it’s from a revue I was in, somewhere back at the dawn of time – but I’ve always been quite fond of it.
** True story. Sort of.
*** And his girlfriend plays a filthy game of Scrabble, let me tell you…
**** Oh that’s right – they had me cooking a steak dinner for them as well. How the hell did that happen..?

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